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Hey, readers. For this entry, I strongly recommend grabbing your coziest blanket, favorite hot drink, and your favorite Taylor Swift album because we are about to enter the feels. At the end of this entry, you will find all the songs I listened to while writing this, so feel free to pluck a few from there as well.

While this blog aims to be about positivity, collegiate tips and tricks, and life on campus, itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s also about the life of a college student.

And everything that may come along with that.

This week has been a battleground, I think. Not only was I late for my infusion (I receive a type of immunosuppressants to handle , a type of autoimmune disease) and experiencing symptoms, but my courseload is becoming almost impossible to handle ÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ“ even if I already knew how difficult of a semester I had signed myself up for.

As a pre-med student, I am held to a GPA standard of 3.5 and a science GPA of 3.3 minimum. Without these, I do not qualify for the program, and I lose that title. I remember how hard I fought for that title, too. I barely made the cut with a 3.43 at the end of my first semester with the understanding that I had to excel in the next, which I did, without a doubt. Finding oneÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s passion in education can really bump their grades up. But itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s also exhausting.

Right now, my heaviest classes are Anatomy & Physiology (lecture and lab), Chemistry (also lecture and lab), and EMT I as they rely heavily on memorization and the overall application of material. ItÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s just so much. Like, dear God. This entire week I have doubted everything and anything I have ever worked for, and while anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue are associated with autoimmune diseases, I have never felt such hopelessness in such a long time.

For two entire days I couldnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t feel anything but stress in regard to how much work I actually needed to get done. Of course, there was some good within the bad though:

• Studying with good friends for A&P
• Receiving my first pair of tactical boots
• Sweet potatoes. DonÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t ask, just accept it
• Dancing to jazz music while cooking

Overall, this week in college, there were a lot of tears. Tears waking up, tears over homework, tears over eating because sometimes eating is hard, tears going to sleep. This week hurt, basically. It hurt a lot.

But, itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s also Sunday night. I started this entry last night after I got home from work, but I passed out not too shortly after starting it. Looking back, perhaps things arenÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t as fatalistic as I remember them, but the stress still haunts my body a little bit. After putting my stuff down, I cleaned my kitchen, made a warm cup of tea, munched on a protein bar, and promptly got to work. While my goal for tonight was to study more for Anatomy & Physiology, IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™ve decided that I needed to let my brain breathe a little bit.

Multiple choice gives me a (false) sense of security anyways.

I think that I am doing my best in the sense that I feel like a massive imposter saying so. Theoretically, my grades are fine, but the 87 percent thatÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s sitting in Chemistry Lab is making me very upset. Not to mention, I dropped about $55 on the lab textbook today to help me with my quizzes and upcoming labs, and the transaction still hasnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t gone through. Either way, I really want that $55 back.

[Opens bank account to see that itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s still processing the payment]. Fluoride.

IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m honestly just glad this (hell) week is coming to an end. This upcoming Sunday, IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™ve promised myself a hike, knitting, and coffee with plenty of sunlight and reading as well. I think IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™ve perhaps earned that in one way, shape, or form. Actually, letÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s see the week at a glance in terms of workload:

Monday:

• Five classes (Anatomy, Intro to Health Professions, Orgo, Bioethics, ChemLab)
• Leg day at 6 a.m.
• Send in all blog articles (including this one, haha)
• Process microplastic samples from 10 a.m.-12 p.m.
• Tasks:
• EMT I
• Memorize vital signs (blood pressure, heart rate/min, pupil dilation, etc.)
• Start pt.2 ch.11 notes
• Anatomy
• 1/2 notes integumentary system
• Skeletal system assignment #1
• Orgo
• Start homework, catch up on notes
• Chemlab
• Turn in Lab #1 by midnight (donÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t tell him I didnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t do it yet)

Tuesday:

• Two classes (EMT I, Biolab)
• Push Day at 6 a.m.
• Tasks:
• Biolab
• Complete lab journal
• EMT I
• Practice giving vitals on people for fun
• Save up for Littmann Classic III
• Stay Ahead

Wednesday & Thursday:

• Basically a repeat of Monday & Tuesday, minus the labs
• Process microplastic samples in lab 10 a.m. - 12 p.m.
• Pull Day, Leg Day #2 (Hamstring and glute focus)
• Try to get sleep??

Friday:

• Complete all work
• Work 12 p.m. - 4 p.m.
• Pre-Med Club (PMEP; you should join!) 5 - 6 p.m.

I suppose, written out, it doesnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t look too horrible. My brain has a horrid habit of over -complicating almost anything known to man; itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s one of the key reasons why IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m really good at making croissants but god awful at creating brownies. Hooray.

Also, IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m displeased to report that I will be slowing down on the coffee addiction as my stomach is cranky and ready to throw hands. Second also: I just remembered my chemistry professor likes reading these. So thatÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s cool, I guess. While the amount of ADHD in this blog is very insane, IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™ve just fully accepted that as a result of trying to study fifty bajillion things at the same time. The plan for tomorrow is to walk in, divide, conquer, snag a bagel and egg sandwich, and probably drink coffee even if my stomach and it decide to get into a fist fight.

Oh yeah, itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s all coming together.

Overall, I think this week was a good reminder of a few things:

• I am actually chronically ill.
• Most days, I often forget about it due to the treatment IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m on, which is great in a way: I donÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t have to go through the symptoms it brings. On the flipside, though, the imposter syndrome is so real. How can I be sick if I look fine? Do I really need medication?
• This week answered those questions in a heartbeat, and put many things into perspective. While I dislike my body (sorry body), I have an obligation to be grateful to it as itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s trying its best. At about 110-115lbs, I can still squat and deadlift 135lbs at the gym. ThatÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s rather remarkable when you think about it, really, and gives me reason to make sure I care for my body the best I can
• Patience & Grace with Self
• Part of the reason why I was so slammed with work this week came from the fact that my illness was making it near impossible to study. I did try doing work at the infusion center, but that quickly failed when the monitor started beeping because I kept moving my arm, and also because I was overcome with exhaustion (immunosuppressants are rough).
• Because of this, I had to have a talk with myself. Was I not doing work because I didnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t want to, or was I simply unable to? In this case, it would be the latter, but the guilt still ate me alive. I also missed classes this past week due to this, and while I have the accommodations for such, I hated doing it even if it was in the best interest for myself.
• So, itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s been a lot of compassion for myself this week, which comes in the form of: sleeping, eating enough, studying while taking breaks, and staying on pace rather than trying to rush through everything at once.
• ItÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s hard being someone who you havenÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t been yet.
• This past year, there has been so much. So much hurt, so much healing. This doesnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t even have to do with other people (though there is one person who comes to mind), but also with myself as well. How often did I just throw myself into situations that I knew I would get myself hurt in? How often did I degrade myself for not being something I simply wasnÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™t meant to be?
• Finally: there are GPA Ups & Downs
• Having an 87 in chemistry lab is nerve-wracking for a pre-med student. All I can really do right now is just bear with it and not let it eat me alive inside. I really do love my life. I want that to be clear. I am at a wonderful school with the best and most supportive of friends and faculty, and I am being taught everything that I wish to learn and do with my life.
• Sometimes, academics are just hard, and our worth as human beings will never be defined by those numbers.

Maybe IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m a soft pre-med kid, but IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m trying my best with it. At the end of the day, I just want to see people living their best lives. On that note, itÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™s 10:30 p.m., and IÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™m ready to end this entry. I hope everyone has a lovely week with hopefully less amounts of stress. Always feel free to email me at blgav1@unh.newhaven.edu with any questions, comments, or blog post ideas!!

With peace, love, and peanut butter,
Beatrice

Beatrice Glaviano ÐÓ°ÉÔ­°æ™26 is a nutrition sciences major at the University of New Haven.