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Does anyone ever just sort of lay on the floor, listen to Coldplay�Ӱ�ԭ��s old music, and contemplate life?

Well, welcome to �Ӱ�ԭ��Late Night Talks,�Ӱ�ԭ�� an I-have-no-clue-if-this-will-continue series that I�Ӱ�ԭ��m establishing at 11 p.m. for no real reason.

In this article, we�Ӱ�ԭ��re going to be getting real. Filthy, disturbingly real. If that�Ӱ�ԭ��s not your jam, then, hey, man, change the playlist a bit �Ӱ�ԭ�� I�Ӱ�ԭ��ll be helping myself to peanut butter and an apple in the meantime.

Because this blog thrives on being one that�Ӱ�ԭ��s transparent, I�Ӱ�ԭ��m going to be honest with all of you and key you in on what�Ӱ�ԭ��s been happening in my life.

From a health standpoint, I�Ӱ�ԭ��m basically on the verge of going outpatient for eating disorder therapy.

Yeah, the nutritional sciences student doesn�Ӱ�ԭ��t know how to be a normal person when it comes to eating. Ironic, isn�Ӱ�ԭ��t it? At least, I think it is.

Author sighs, looking into her tea and stirring it.

I�Ӱ�ԭ��m terrified.

I cried for hours. I�Ӱ�ԭ��ve never been so scared of something in my entire life, even though I know it would be for my benefit, even if I can�Ӱ�ԭ��t see it. I�Ӱ�ԭ��m so close to ending the school year, passing my NREMT (National Registry of Emergency Medical Technicians), and getting a job as an EMT at the place where I�Ӱ�ԭ��ve been volunteering at. It feels unfair, really, but life is never going to be fair no matter what card you play.

I preach being okay with your body and honoring change, but I can never find it in myself to do that for myself. I have never truly liked my body. All the morphing in the mirror to look pretty or worrying about the cellulite rippling on my legs. I�Ӱ�ԭ��ve been out of the gym for months now, and even though I can see that I�Ӱ�ԭ��ve started to heal physically and mentally, it�Ӱ�ԭ��s disheartening.

I was really, really strong at one point. Now I feel like a piece of overcooked spaghetti with a paintbrush and a laptop. Like ????

I might as well be an academic butterknife at this point.

Author drums her fingers on her desk.

What else has happened? Hm...Oh, well, I stayed up for thirty-eight hours straight. I got off of the overnight I�Ӱ�ԭ��d worked, had therapy (of which I was dropped the outpatient bomb of death), organic chemistry lab meeting thingy, and then studied for a few hours. Wise move? Maybe not. But, it happened. Testing those limits are fun sometimes, except when your therapist is clearly upset at you. The calls I�Ӱ�ԭ��d gotten that night weren�Ӱ�ԭ��t super bad, really, but they�Ӱ�ԭ��re nothing I�Ӱ�ԭ��d want to go through at an older age.

Speaking of old age, did anyone else turn eighteen and then have their hips start acting up? Or a knee. Or their ankle. Or like, all of that.

I�Ӱ�ԭ��ll try bending down at work and I look like a 40-year-old suburban father who doesn�Ӱ�ԭ��t salt his chicken before putting it into the pan. You know what I�Ӱ�ԭ��m talking about.

(To all 40-year-old suburban dads who don�Ӱ�ԭ��t salt their chicken out there, I�Ӱ�ԭ��m sorry but you need to educate yourself on the power of seasoning.)

Whatever the case, being a dorm dweller for most of the winter was not a fantabulous decision on my part, so I�Ӱ�ԭ��m trying to scoot around campus as much as possible.

Thank you for your support, faithful readers!

Beatrice Glaviano �Ӱ�ԭ��26 is a nutrition sciences major at the University of New Haven.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder and/or mental health concern, we are here to support you. Campus resources are available, free, and confidential.

• CAPS: (203) 932-7333 (Appointments, 24/7 Crisis Line)
• Health Services: (203) 932-7079 (24/7 Answering Service)
• Eating Disorder Helpline (ANAD): 1 (888)-375-7767

Campus Dietitian, Samantha Zajac-Standish, RDN, CDN
SZajac@newhaven.edu
(203) 836-4559